THE TINY FRAYED END

So, if you know me, you know I am pretty honest. Not unkind, but genuinely honest. Maybe I have gotten old enough, maybe crazy enough to just not really care what anyone thinks and if I can help someone by sharing, then I’m truly thrilled to be an open book about my life.

Seems like we hear it everywhere. The past few years, have been hard for so many people, in many different ways. Whether it is environmental catastrophes, financial devastation, sickness, terroristic events, it’s hit just about everyone in one way or another. I’ll tell ya, at times I have felt like I’ve been making my way through a minefield myself. Now, please know, I’m not trying to compare, that’s not the point here. There is no comparison and we should stop trying to compare one person’s hell to another’s. The point is, we’ve all had stuff.

It’s hard not to ask “WHY” isn’t it? Why do bad things happen to good people.  Why do bad things happen at all? It’s the age-old question. Different people will give you different answers and I have a few of my own. For the sake of this discussion though, I will share a thought I have on the subject.

It took 54 years to get here, but I truly believe we are all connected and I believe there is a fine tapestry that we don’t see when we are in the midst of the muck. Bad things happen to everyone. EVERYONE. It’s what we do with it. It’s not about the bad. It’s about what you do with the bad.

Let’s face it, sometimes things are so bad, it just feels like it’s beyond your ability to see anything other than the yuck. Sometimes the pit you are in is so dark and so deep, that black is all you can see and actually, sometimes that’s OK. Maybe for just a moment, you need to sit there. Take it all in. Feel the yuck. How else will you truly appreciate when you are no longer there?

That place is meant to be temporary. It’s not meant to last. It may FEEL permanent, but it is only permanent if you decide to take up residence there, you can sit there a moment. Consider the situation. Consider all of it. The what got you here. The what you should learn and then the what you need to do next.

Wallowing is destructive and definitely won’t help anything. So, feel it, grasp the reality of it. Ask yourself if any decisions you made may have gotten you there or if it is something that was truly beyond your control. Regardless of what the catalyst was, there is something there you can build on.

Steve Jobs said, “You cannot connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in the future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever.”  Personally, I trust in God and His purpose. You can trust in whatever you wish, that is not really the point here. The point is, there truly is a tapestry and the dots truly do connect.

There is always, always something that you can take from every situation. No matter how many times we hit the bottom, we have to stop beating ourselves up or shaming ourselves for our situation. This helps nothing. Be real with yourself. See it for what it is, then make a plan to move on. As well, when someone else is in a low place, we cannot shame them for being there. How can our society improve when we can’t be there for one another, realize that this is all part of the human condition and help others along the way.

We are supposed to count it all joy, right? The good and the bad. Doesn’t that seem impossible sometimes? Especially when you’re at rock bottom. How in the world can you do that? Doesn’t it seem impossible? No really. It’s OK to admit that doing this is truly difficult to do. Life is hard. You don’t have to be perfect at it.

A GLIMPSE ONTO THE TAPESTRY

You see, I lost my adoptive mother when I was 7 years old. (Now, since then I have met my birth mother and we have a great relationship, but at the time, this was the only mother I knew.) She was a woman with demons. Lots of them, but when it’s all you know,  it’s all you know. She died in front of me when we were making gingerbread. (As a side note, I did not make gingerbread again for 41 years. Until one day I did.) That may seem trivial, but it mattered to me.

Then, again when I was a young teen, my adoptive father also passed away. The only father I have ever known. He was a hard man. A good man, but a hard man. His weakness though was standing up to the women in his life. (He had a tendency to marry very mean and abusive women.) Standing up for his children didn’t happen. I moved out and two weeks later he died. The family made it clear that they believed I killed him. They thought he had died of a broken heart.

Then my grandmother who was the angel of my life, passed away and we buried her the day after my 21st birthday. I was the executor of the estate. At 21.

Most of my life I have looked back at those times and many other incredibly low points and thought about just how low I really was. Divorce. Twice. Homeless, don’t even know how many times. Etc. Etc.

Fast forward many years to a time where my two grown daughters were faced with an excruciatingly painful situation. They have never had to deal with the death of a family member like I had. They have three younger sisters who were the same age that I was when these things occurred in my life.

My oldest and I were talking one day and it hit us both that I am the only person in their lives who has had to deal with this kind of thing. The only person in their lives who  could relate on this level. The oldest were in a position where they felt responsible to help the younger children, (3 in total) through this situation, while dealing with it themselves for the very first time.

These are my children who were going through this horrible thing, so yes, I do count it joy that I could pull any amount of solace, meaning or purpose for this happening when I was a child. If I could be there for them in a way that they needed, then yes. It was worth every bit of pain I went through as a child. I could not connect the dots then and it seemed cruel and difficult and ugly. However later, I could see that I was able to help them because I already walked this road and yes, I can honestly say that I am glad I already lived through this season many times and if it gave me even a shred of ability to help them navigate it, then it was worth it to me.

Now, that is a pretty extreme example, but regardless the depth of the situation, the lesson still applies.

We grow from these things. These really dark, difficult, yucky things. When we are navigating the minefields of life, whether death, abuse, sickness, financial devastation, failure in something we have attempted, divorce, etc…. (and I’ve been through every one of these), there is a reason. Maybe it’s to help someone else navigate those same paths later on.

So, yes, sit there. Just for a moment. Realize the true common sense reality of where you are, what got you there and feel the depth of it. It may feel like everything around you is darkness and there is no way out, but that is an absolute lie. There is indeed hope. Grasp onto any shred of hope you can find. Even if you have to stand on your very tippy toes to reach the frayed end of the rope that you feel like you are at the end of; stretch as far as you can and grab on. Hold on for dear life and start pulling your way up. Even if it takes every ounce of energy that you can muster, don’t stop trying.

Pull. Pull again. Pull even still.

Make progress. No matter how small, keep pulling.

And while you are pulling, have grace for yourself. Don’t listen to the lies that you hear around you! Whether they come from your own head or those that want to pull you back down. They don’t understand and they are scared. Those are all lies. Don’t listen. Stay focused.

Let every single little win build a rock beneath your feet to get you one inch closer to the top of the well. Be humble, but be brave. Be focused and be strong. Fight every urge within you to quit. This is not the end. You write the end of the story, it’s yours to write and it will be glorious.

So, I have not posted in awhile, not that I have not had anything to say, I have had plenty, but I guess, just nothing that stirred me enough to stop and share. This did though.. I was speaking with a friend yesterday and she shared that she had just lost a friend last week. He was in his mid- thirties. They went to a horse show and he was his usual self. Talking, laughing with friends, etc. Then he went home after the show and killed himself. Wow, just wow.

So I was thinking, as I am reading this book. Yes, I read.. ALOT. I am reading a series of books actually, by Andy Andrews and they are absolutely wonderful. If you get a chance, pick them up. The second one, the one I am on now, is ‘The Noticer’, it is brilliant. He makes a point that really hit home to me. I hear people complain all the time, “Oh, I just hit 40 or I am about to be 50, etc.” I am so old. Heck, I’ve probably said something similar as well. First of all, if this is you, Congratulations!

Regardless of how old you are, truly it is a wonderful thing that you have been blessed with another day. When people hit those milestones, they tend to get introspective. ‘I had it all planned out, I would be married, by ___, kids by ___, a house by____, own my own company by ___’and on and on. Looking back at that now, I think how silly that is. First of all, you were young and naïve when you created this timeline for yourself and you probably didn’t figure in any curves or potholes or twists and turns in the road. Who do you know who has not had these? No one!

Second, how selfish of you. Seriously. How selfish of me, when I did this way back when. Who is to say that you did not do exactly what you were supposed to do when you were supposed to do it? No pity parties aloud. Each day is a day to wake up and make a decision about what you will do from HERE. Each day you are given a brand new start, a brand new choice, to make all the things happen that you want to happen in your life.

Colonel Sanders was 65 years old when he took his social security check of $105 per month and started Kentucky Fried Chicken and thank goodness he did. Yum. Michelangelo didn’t begin his work on St. Peter’s Basilica until seventy two! So, quit whining. Seriously, make it happen.

When we think that our best years are behind us, that is by choice. If you get up every day, there is still hope that you have not yet accomplished the great thing that you were placed on this Earth to do! If the most important part of your life is ahead of you, then even when things are bad, you know there is also good…no, GREAT to come. Also, what makes you think that your mission is small? That you only have one tiny contribution to make to the world.

Think about this, you may not be famous, that’s OK, I would hazard a guess that very few people know the names of the parents or the people who played the biggest roles in developing the character of some of the great leaders and influencers. Do you know who raised or influenced George Washington? Winston Churchill? Martin Luther King Jr? Someone did. Someone was there to help develop them to be who they were. Parents, spiritual leaders, aunts, uncles, cousins, authors of books they read, teachers, etc. etc.

So, just remember, there is not a single person on this Earth who has ever made a TINY difference in this world. God does not do tiny. Everything/Everyone has a purpose. A huge purpose. (If you ever get a chance, check out the story of George Washington Carver and Henry Wallace. I have read this story many times, and it always hits home. You just never know what some little act will do and how it will impact others.

So, be glad you didn’t follow the path you had planned for yourself. The one you are on is way better and much more interesting. 🙂 Everything you do matters. Hold Your own pen and own each page.

I will post a lot about strength. Personal strength and strength as a woman for sure, because it is my point of reference. (I am a headstrong, accomplished, boisterous, independent, sometimes spontaneous, all the time opinionated woman.) However, I feel it is of value to underline the importance of an undeniable truth. One that this world tends to forget at times.

Yes, we are ALL here to lead in some way, but right now, I want to concentrate on the concept of men in a leadership role in a relationship. A wise woman understands the fact that there is a level of authority that was set down at the beginning of time. Don’t freak out on me just yet. A spiritually immature person runs from this, disregards it and gets angry at the thought, but stay with me for a minute. Hear me out. This is not about lording over someone or asserting power. Quite the opposite actually. This is about lovingly SERVING. A true leader serves. There is just no other way to explain it. Our families and ultimately, our society fails when good men do not see their true value. When they do not take the hand of the One who can guide them and when they do not give a hand to the ones they are there to guide.

When this happens, especially in marriages, unfortunately women see no other option, but to step up and take on the male role as a method of survival and by all means, for every one of us women who have ever walked through that season, I truly and deeply commend you. I have done it. Many of us have.

However, what I am saying when I refer to an “order” of how it should go is that we all have a role to play. A woman should not have to take on both roles and honestly, a man should not have to either. We each have such crucial parts to play. Puzzle pieces that are created to fit so intrinsically together to make the whole scenario function more smoothly.

Women, no matter how successful they are, no matter how accomplished they are, need a partner to understand their role, recognize when it is needed and step up and assume that position. (I know, let the feminists start lighting their torches to come chase me down now. If they do, they will have completely missed the point.)

Mentally and spiritually healthy women desperately desire a strong man. A confident man. A leader. One who is observant of what needs to be done and takes the initiative and responsibility to do it.

When this happens, they can feel secure in focusing on the rest of the responsibilities of the partnership. Whether it is nurturing and teaching children, building a household, building a family business, promoting the dream that they have together and so much more.

Being physically attractive or financially stable, or having a powerful job, may be attractive to the world, but again.. when a woman becomes spiritually mature and truly sees what she and her children need… she realizes that a strong, humble, spiritual leader is truly where it all begins.

The most attractive thing in the world to a woman is a true leader. A man who serves from the heart. A man who serves his God. Serves his family and does it in such a way that he is unashamed. Men, if you want to truly be sexy to a woman, this is what you must be.

A spiritually mature woman’s sexy list:

• Love God
• Humble yourself before Him and serve ALL around you humbly and without expectation
• Learn and strive for that which you are passionate about. (This is true confidence and maturity)

Everything else will come. It will all fall into place.

And here’s the great part. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT!!!!  (Side note – secret: sometimes your imperfections can be pretty sexy to us as well.)

Oh and one more thing…. it is said that a woman needs love and a man needs respect. To a man, respect IS love. Men, I promise you, if you are this man, the one described here, the right woman will not only respect you, but will never, ever consider looking at another man. True story. You will be her prince charming.

Even better news!!

You are not meant to do it alone. You can’t it is just not possible. When you feel like you cannot do it on your own, that is OK. You are not supposed to. You always, always have someone there to help. No matter how hard it gets.

WHO do you see??????

I don’t mean the mirror you look at when you get up in the morning. That is superficial. I mean the one that most people refuse to really look into. The one of our soul. We don’t want to look, because we are ashamed of our mistakes. We have let someone tell us we are unworthy. When you know the truth, I mean really, really let it sink in, nothing can stand in your way of the greatness you were made for. There has been a calling that has been whispering at me for MANY years and I have put it aside, because I was afraid, not self-assured enough, believed what others said about me, whatever the case may be. I realized, this is not about me. I will fail, but big deal, I have already done that. A LOT! I will actually succeed more now, because I am listening. Really listening. Peeps, ya just don’t know how much your life can do a 180 when you just decide to stand up. I just don’t care anymore what people think. The one who will make sure I make it has been with me this whole time and I have been just fine. Better than fine and NOW…..man, I am better than ever!!!!!

I am here because I am meant to be. So are you. You know what it is. You may think you don’t, but there is a passion burning inside you that no man can put out. That is why you were put here. If you take the time to quiet the world around you, you will know. You will hear it and the more you listen, the less you can run from it. The most amazing thing you can do for yourself is stop running from what you have been called for. When an engineer designs something it has a purpose. It is created for that purpose. So are you. Don’t let this world tell you any different. Don’t let this world take from you what you were created for. Stand on any rooftop and shout at the top of your lungs what it is that you believe. The ones who are supposed to be with you through this journey will be there. The ones that are not, will fall away and that is OK too. That does not mean they are bad, they have their own path.

If you are beautifully and uniquely made, why would you try to compare yourself to someone else? We try to find affirmation in others and truly that is silly. If we are imperfect then why are we looking to others who are also imperfect for validation?

What is important is that you don’t gain the whole world, (which is temporary) and lose what is meant for you eternally.

When you write the story in your own words, on the blank pages you were given, you are agreeing that you are indeed amazing. You are indeed worthy and created for a purpose. When you look into your “mirror” and you decide to use what you were blessed with, there is no stopping you.

Why do women do this? People will give you a thousand reasons why. TV, magazines, other girls, other women, our mother’s, someone else’s mother, the list is endless. I do not know a single woman who does not feel some form of inadequacy or insecurity for one reason or another. Looks, brains, talent, money, men… many times an accumulation of all of those things and BOY don’t get me started on our feelings of inadequacy as mothers.

We were not created to feel this way you know. This is not how we were designed. I have regrets. I thought I taught my daughters the best I could how to overcome this, but I always wonder if it was enough. I am sure much of this they are designed to learn on their own. Why do we limit ourselves so greatly? Why do we not see our own shine?

I was actually speaking with a friend about this the other day. He told me the truth. Men have it too. He thought maybe even more than women. How strange we humans are. Women think men are so confident, men think women are and really, we all have our own insecurities. So, it’s all about perception. How do you see you and what are you going to do about it?  This massive expectation we put on ourselves and on one another is really unfair isn’t it?

What wonders could we accomplish if we could show the people around us the greatness we see in them every day rather than being so insecure that we sometimes concentrate on the negative. What does that prove except how we feel about ourselves? I am no scholar. I have no claim to fame, but I know I am bold and beautiful and brilliant and I can outshine anything that comes in my way. You know why I know? Not because I needed anyone to tell me, but because I know how and why I was created and with what intent and because I have lived through and fought through the ugly to see the good. We all can. Someday soon I will share more specifics, but for right now, just take a few moments to maybe just realize how truly miraculous your existence really is.

You have a blank page in front of you. Write on it what you want your story to read. It is all yours. Hold Your Own Pen. It is NO ONE ELSE’S BUT YOURS!

SO, I have been planning to.. feeling led to.. being pulled to do this for a long time and just have not done it. Here I am finally making it happen. I suppose I should start by giving a little background…

First, let me just say that I am not sure that anyone really cares what I have to talk about, but if what I share helps someone, that is the true purpose. One reason I waited so long is because there are people/situations that may come up in topics that will be uncomfortable. Either for me, them or others that know them. For that I will go ahead and apologize now, but I won’t sugar coat. I won’t change my statements to make someone feel better about the past. Including myself. I will say that I am a firm believer in the past being the past and I certainly don’t think any person has a right to condemn another. If I share something it is not in any way to condemn, I have my own skeletons and mistakes, it’s just to shed light on whatever story I might be sharing at the time. That is all.

Now, here we go….

I am generous. To a fault. I don’t say that as a pat on the back type of thing. I say it as a matter of fact, like having a certain color of eyes, or being tall or short, etc. It is just a fact. You would think it is a good thing, right? It is. MOST of the time. Until, you really start living with it in our world in the current state that it is in. When people wonder if you have ulterior motives. Isn’t that so incredibly sad? I mean really sad? I love people. I love life with such an incredible depth, that I find it very hard to even explain it where anyone could really understand. When I help someone or do something for them, it is not because I want them to accept me, or think of me a certain way, it is because I truly do not know how else to be. I truly don’t understand mean people. Don’t get me wrong, I can get mad and resentful and hurt and angry and be the meanest person at that moment, but all in all, I just don’t think on those terms.

Here is a little bit of why…

I know how it feels to hurt. I know how it feels to be abused. Physically, mentally, emotionally, to be picked on, beat up, torn down, misunderstood, homeless, penniless, unloved and unwanted. Why would I purposefully want that for someone else? One thing I have never felt… hopeless, I guess I just realized as a small child that I never had to be hopeless. It was my choice. My faith showed me from as early as I can remember, that there is always hope.

Ha, ya know, I am reading this amazing book right now. “The Go Giver” by Bob Burg and John David Mann. If you get a chance, check it out. Great little read. One thing he says that I just love…. “How did it feel serving all those people?” …”to tell you the truth, I felt like an idiot….. sometimes you feel foolish, even look foolish, but you do the thing anyway.”

See… You do the thing because someone needs you to. Sometimes you need it as much or more than someone else. Sometimes you don’t know, you just do it.

Don’t let anyone tell you how to care, keep caring, keep writing the words of your story on that blank page. It’s yours. Write it how you want to look back on it at the end. Forget what others might think about why you do what you do. At least you are doing it.

This world needs what you have to give. Hold your own pen and write. Just keep writing…….